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Cipher Mining's $5.5B AWS Deal: Or, How to Fleece the Sheep in the AI Gold Rush
Okay, so Cipher Mining (CIFR) stock is apparently "surging" because they inked some 15-year deal with Amazon Web Services (AWS) worth a cool $5.5 billion. Let's be real, folks. Does anyone actually understand what Cipher Mining does? Because I sure as hell don't, and I write about this crap for a living.
They "reported third-quarter revenue of $71.71 million, missing analyst estimates," but then they "beat estimates for a loss per share." See? Clear as mud.
The Hyperscaler Hustle
Here's the part that really grinds my gears: "Cipher said it will deliver 300 megawatts of capacity in 2026." Three. Hundred. Megawatts. What is this, some kind of power plant LARPing? And all for AI workloads. Because apparently, AI needs more juice than the entire state of Rhode Island.
Tyler Page, CEO of Cipher Mining, is quoted as saying, "We’re more confident than ever that Cipher is among the best-positioned companies in the world to seize additional opportunities created by the growing power shortfall." Oh, so now they're solving the power shortfall by creating a massive demand for power? Give me a break. It's like saying you're helping solve world hunger by opening an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Speaking of power, this whole thing reminds me of when I tried to upgrade my apartment's electrical panel. Turns out, the building's wiring was so old, it would've cost me more than my yearly rent just to plug in a decent toaster.
Texas-Sized Promises
And then there's this "joint entity with American Electric Power to develop a 1 gigawatt site in West Texas." A gigawatt? In West Texas? Are they planning on powering Mars from there? This "Colchis" site, as they so creatively named it, is supposed to be energized in 2028. Assuming, of course, that the Electric Reliability Council of Texas (ERCOT) actually gives them the go-ahead. Which, knowing ERCOT, is about as likely as finding a decent breakfast taco in Manhattan.
They're building a dual interconnection facility. Dual! What, is one not good enough anymore? Are we preparing for the apocalypse or just another Tuesday in the crypto world?
Cipher Mining shares were up 23.03% at $22.95. Seriously? People are actually buying this? I mean, good for them I guess, but it feels like everyone's just throwing money at anything vaguely related to AI and hoping it sticks. Cipher Mining Stock Surges On $5.5 Billion Data Center Deal With Amazon Web Services - Cipher Mining (NASDAQ:CIFR) It's the dot-com bubble all over again, only this time, instead of Pets.com, we have... whatever the hell Cipher Mining actually is.
Then again, maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe Cipher Mining is the next Google, and I'll be eating my words in a few years. Nah, who am I kidding?